Introduction
Control fallacies occur when you have distorted beliefs about your level of control over situations. This thinking trap manifests in two main forms: either feeling completely responsible for events beyond your control (external control fallacy) or believing you have no influence over aspects of your life that you could change (internal control fallacy).
This guide explores how control fallacies develop, their impact on mental health, and effective DBT strategies to help you recognize when your perception of control becomes unbalanced, allowing you to take appropriate action without assuming excessive responsibility or falling into helplessness.
Key Takeaway
Finding the balance between what you can and cannot control is essential for mental well-being. Neither excessive responsibility nor helplessness reflects reality accurately.
Understanding Control Fallacies
What Are Control Fallacies?
Control fallacies are cognitive distortions that skew your perception of how much control you have over life events. They exist on a spectrum with two extremes: believing you have excessive control over external outcomes (external control fallacy) or feeling helpless about situations you could influence (internal control fallacy).
External Control Fallacy
When you overestimate your responsibility for outcomes beyond your control. This leads to feelings of excessive guilt, stress, and burden as you try to manage circumstances that are actually influenced by multiple factors or other people's choices.
Internal Control Fallacy
When you underestimate your ability to influence your life circumstances. This manifests as feelings of helplessness, victimhood, or fatalism, even in situations where your actions could make a significant difference.
Why It Matters
Both forms of control fallacies create distress and impair effective action. External control fallacies lead to unnecessary guilt and burnout, while internal control fallacies result in missed opportunities and a diminished sense of agency. Finding the middle ground—recognizing what you can and cannot control—is essential for emotional well-being.
Common Manifestations
Excessive Responsibility
Taking blame for others' emotions or circumstances: "If my friend is upset, it must be something I did wrong" or "My child's struggles at school are entirely my fault as a parent."
Learned Helplessness
Giving up prematurely due to perceived powerlessness: "There's no point in applying for better jobs because I'll never get hired anyway" or "Why bother trying to get healthier? It's in my genes."
Perfectionism
Trying to control every detail to prevent perceived failure: "If I'm not in control of every aspect of this project, it will fail" or "I need to anticipate and prevent every possible problem."
Avoidance Behaviors
Dodging situations that highlight your limited control: "I won't try new activities where I might not excel immediately" or "I'll avoid relationships because I can't control how others feel."
Impact on Mental Health
The Mental Health Burden
Control fallacies create significant psychological distress by either overburdening you with excessive responsibility or fostering a sense of powerlessness in your own life. Both extremes interfere with your ability to act effectively and maintain emotional balance.
When you believe you have more control than you actually do, you experience chronic worry, guilt, and stress. Conversely, when you underestimate your influence, you might struggle with feelings of helplessness, depression, and lack of motivation.
External Control Fallacy Effects
- Chronic guilt and shame
- Anxiety and excessive worry
- Burnout and exhaustion
- Difficulty setting boundaries
Internal Control Fallacy Effects
- Depression and hopelessness
- Passivity and procrastination
- Low self-efficacy
- Victim mentality
DBT Techniques & Strategies
Dialectical Behavior Therapy offers several effective techniques for addressing control fallacies and developing a more balanced perspective:
Reality Testing
Examine what you can actually control in a situation versus what you cannot. This helps identify unrealistic beliefs about responsibility and influence.
Application
When facing a challenging situation, draw three columns: "What I can control," "What I can influence," and "What is beyond my control." Sort the aspects of the situation accordingly and focus your energy on the first two columns.
Radical Acceptance
Practice accepting reality as it is, including the limits of your control. This reduces suffering caused by fighting against unchangeable circumstances.
Practice
When you encounter a situation you cannot control, practice saying: "This is how things are right now. I may not like it, but I can accept the reality of this moment while still working on what I can change."
Wise Mind
Access the integration of emotional mind and reasonable mind to assess your level of control more accurately and respond effectively.
Questions to Ask
- • "What does my emotional mind say about my control in this situation?"
- • "What does my reasonable mind say about my actual influence here?"
- • "What would be the balanced, Wise Mind perspective on my responsibility?"
- • "What actions can I take that honor both my emotions and the reality of the situation?"
Effective Action
Focus on taking steps within your control that align with your values and goals, rather than ruminating on what you cannot change.
Example
If you're worried about a family member's health condition, separate what you can control (offering support, helping with appointments) from what you cannot (their diagnosis, treatment outcomes). Channel your energy toward effective actions rather than worry or avoidance.
Practical Exercises
Try these exercises to develop a more balanced perspective on control:
Control Inventory
Create a comprehensive inventory of different aspects of your life, categorizing each according to your level of control.
Exercise Format
- Complete Control: Your own thoughts, behaviors, responses, and choices.
- Partial Influence: Your health (influenced by genetics but also by lifestyle), relationships (influenced by others but also by your actions).
- No Control: Weather, other people's opinions and choices, past events, global economy.
Responsibility Audit
Examine situations where you feel excessive guilt or responsibility, or conversely, complete helplessness. Challenge these perceptions with objective evidence.
Steps
- Identify a situation that triggers feelings of excessive responsibility or helplessness.
- List all the factors that influenced this situation.
- Honestly assess your actual role or influence (not exaggerated or minimized).
- Identify other people or factors that played a role.
- Determine a realistic level of responsibility based on this assessment.
Effective Action Planning
Create structured plans focusing on aspects you can control, while practicing acceptance of elements beyond your influence.
Template
- 1. Situation: Describe the challenging situation.
- 2. Acceptance statement: "I accept that I cannot control..."
- 3. Control statement: "I recognize that I can control..."
- 4. Action plan: List 3-5 specific actions you can take within your sphere of influence.
- 5. Success measure: Define what success looks like based on your actions, not outcomes beyond your control.
Related Thinking Traps
Control fallacies often appear alongside these other thinking traps:
Personalization
Assuming excessive responsibility by attributing external events to yourself even when they're not your fault.
Catastrophizing
Imagining worst-case scenarios, often stemming from feeling a lack of control in uncertain situations.
Should Statements
Creating rigid rules for yourself and others that often involve unrealistic expectations about control.
Conclusion
Control fallacies can significantly impact your emotional well-being and effectiveness in daily life. By learning to recognize when you're assuming too much responsibility or feeling unnecessarily helpless, you can develop a more balanced perspective that acknowledges both your influence and its limits.
Remember that finding balance doesn't mean abandoning responsibility or resigning yourself to fate. Instead, it means focusing your energy on what you can actually influence while practicing acceptance of what you cannot. This balanced approach reduces unnecessary stress while empowering you to take meaningful action.
Moving Forward
Continue your journey toward a balanced perspective on control by exploring these related resources: