What is DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is a structured communication technique in DBT that helps you assertively express your needs and set boundaries while maintaining relationships. Each letter in DEAR MAN stands for a specific step in the process.
The DEAR MAN Breakdown
D: Describe
Start by describing the situation clearly and objectively without adding opinions or emotions.
Example:
"I noticed that I haven’t been included in recent team meetings."
E: Express
Share how the situation makes you feel using “I” statements to avoid blaming or escalating tension.
Example:
"I feel left out and unsure about my role in the team."
A: Assert
Clearly state what you need or want from the other person.
Example:
"I’d like to be included in future meetings."
R: Reinforce
Explain the benefits of meeting your request to encourage cooperation.
Example:
"If I’m included, I can contribute my ideas and be more effective in my role."
M: Stay Mindful
Stay focused on your goal and don’t get sidetracked by arguments or distractions.
Tip:
Repeat your request if necessary, calmly and firmly.
A: Appear Confident
Project confidence with your tone, posture, and eye contact, even if you feel uncertain.
Tip:
Avoid apologizing for making your request.
N: Negotiate
Be willing to compromise and find a solution that works for both parties.
Example:
"If weekly meetings are too much, perhaps I could join biweekly updates."
When to Use DEAR MAN
DEAR MAN is most effective in situations where:
- You need to assert your needs or boundaries.
- You want to ask for something or say no.
- You need to resolve a conflict while preserving the relationship.
Practicing DEAR MAN regularly can help you feel more confident in communicating your needs.